


Before the Talking

by pebbles1971



Series: Older and Wiser [4]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Demisexuality, First Time, M/M, Neurodiversity, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 21:02:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18038990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pebbles1971/pseuds/pebbles1971
Summary: John and Rodney's first time, in which they totally fail to communicate with each other (but it's still pretty hot) John's POV





	Before the Talking

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to my stories Spectrum and Epiphany (in which our heroes finally learn to communicate and discover they are both neurodivergent). It's set 7 years previously in the first year of the Atlantis mission. But it can be read as a stand-alone because there’s very little plot. Spoilers for Season 1, particularly Eps 10,11, 14,16 – The Storm, The Eye, Sanctuary, and The Brotherhood. The scene takes place directly after the events of The Brotherhood (S1 Ep16). Trigger warning: Contains a brief mention of a historic homophobic assault, including use of a slur.
> 
> For information, the fact that John only feels sexual desire for men he also feels an emotional connection to suggests he’s demisexual (on the asexual spectrum) as well as gay.

 

John tells himself he wants to watch a movie with Rodney so he can check Rodney is okay after seeing Kolya again. The man had _tortured_ Rodney the last time they met. Rodney had _stepped in front of a gun_ meant for Elizabeth. John can still remember the clench in his chest when he found that out. That clench had told him he was in real trouble. Since then he’d dialled up the sarcasm with Rodney and hoped the man wouldn’t notice John has something approximating a high school crush on him.

John has other things he doesn’t want to think about. An attack on the city. Losing Smith and Markham. The fact that wraith ships are 2 weeks away from kicking their asses. But Elizabeth told them to get downtime, and he’s determined to think about all that tomorrow.

Now, they are lying on Rodney’s narrow bed, heads propped up with pillows, the laptop, which is playing Kill Bill, resting across their knees, bridging the tiny gap between them. It’s taking every bit of John’s control not to let his thigh press against Rodney’s. Every now and then Rodney turns to say something to him. The hot breath on John’s face almost steals his own breath away. John has always had a problem with his skin overreacting to sensory input at the best of times. Rodney’s presence dials that up to eleven. He has to hold his neck rigid to stop himself from turning towards the source of that breath and leaning in.

It feels like the tug of gravity that happens when you get close to a planet’s atmosphere and it just wants to pull you down. Only there’s no indication that Rodney is intentionally attracting _._ He acted a bit weird over Chaya, sure, but he’d been right, hadn’t he, that John was taken in. He _thought_ it was the only attraction he had ever felt for a woman, thought he was “cured” or something, but now he reckons it had more to do with her being ancient and the way the city, so twined into his consciousness, was responding to her, making everything vibrate, including John.

So, in hindsight he has never been attracted to a woman. He likes them well enough, sure. Gets on with women, enjoys their company. The sex he’s had with women wasn’t awful, any more than jerking off because you’re bored is awful. He just doesn’t desire them. At all.

Certainly not in the clear and unambiguous way he desires Rodney McKay. Has done since the moment the man rocked up in his life in an orange fleece that clashed with his bright blue eyes and asked him to think about where he was in the universe. John has tried to tell himself his reaction was bound up with his body’s first response to ancient tech, but that isn’t it.

Rodney McKay, even when there is no ancient tech around, does something to him that he hasn’t felt since Glen Dawson at high school, the guy he – finally, after months of dreaming and wanting – traded enthusiastic hand-jobs with during an after-school study session. The guy who beat him up for being a “fag” the very next day.

But this. This is more than want. He doesn’t just want to fuck Rodney. He knows even in the military there’s such a thing as “situationally gay”, where you’re somewhat permitted to get off with other men in places like this where there are fewer women around, where you’re in close quarters and need a bit of relief.

Hell, he’d had opportunities here, at McMurdo, in Afghanistan and before, but he didn’t take them up, terrified whoever it was would see that John’s gayness was not situational, that it ran through to his very core. And honestly maybe he’s just a little bit asexual too, when he isn’t head over heels for someone, because he isn’t really driven to have sex and missing out on brojobs with marines hasn’t been a hardship.

Then there’s the whole touch thing, how intense it is and how much he needs it. He doesn’t think the marines would be down with cuddling him or holding him down and women are great cuddlers, so there’s that. Nancy used to lie on top of John like a weighted blanket and that bit was great, if somewhat objectifying for poor Nancy.

When someone captures his interest, like Glen did, like Rodney has, however rare that may be, there is nothing asexual about him then. His desire is overwhelming, even if it qualifies as something deeper and more complicated than simple lust.

His desire is obliterating his fears and his reason, which might have something to say about inexperience and risking military careers and Leavenworth and jeopardising friendship and fraternisation. If he’d let them get a word in. But all he can think right now is how good freshly showered Rodney McKay smells and how much he would like to lick him all over.

John wonders desperately, as his feelings threaten to consume him, if Rodney could be up for a bit of situational gayness. He isn’t military, so John rationalises that he’d have no reason to get John into trouble.

Rodney definitely isn’t gay. He’s gone on a brainiac Airforce Colonel called Samantha Carter and shows a healthy appreciation of a certain type of smart woman, like Allina, today on Dagan. Allina had been flirting with Rodney so hard it made John want to fight her. This had stirred up the feelings he’s struggling with now.

John has a thing for smart people too, and Rodney McKay is the smartest person he’s ever met. It makes John half-hard just thinking about how smart Rodney is. And then he thinks about what he would like Rodney to do with that smart, expressive mouth and those busy, busy hands and now he’s in real trouble. There’s a visible erection growing in his BDUs and he’s going to have to fidget to relieve some of the pressure.

He moves, and his thigh presses for a second against Rodney’s. He holds his breath, and notices Rodney is doing the same. _Oh god, he’s going to freak out on me._ But then Rodney very carefully and clearly presses back with his own thigh. The heat of Rodney burns through his BDUs into his oh so receptive skin.

Oh, wow. Situationally gay might be a possibility after all. Allina got him all wound up and then betrayed him, maybe this is John’s chance to get it out of his system.

So he does the bravest thing he has done in a very long time and reaches across to plant a hand at the meeting of Rodney’s hip and thigh, unambiguously close to his cock. Rodney’s hand just mirrors his and ups the ante by moving his fingers up and down in a highly suggestive way.

John’s erection is in plain view by now, but he isn’t alone. The bulge in McKay’s grey uniform pants is impressive, and he desperately wants to touch it. More than that, he wants it in his mouth. Wants to feel it inside of him. Wants to jerk it to climax while he’s inside of Rodney.

He just wants everything.

He currently has his closest hand, his left, on Rodney, and now he moves his right hand across and strokes Rodney’s erection through his uniform. Feels it jump a little, hears Rodney breathe out a slight moan.

Oh, god, that is addictive.

He turns some more towards Rodney and the laptop slips off his knee and neatly closed itself between them. Rodney turns a little too, pushing the laptop out of the way with his foot. Now Rodney’s hand moves over John’s erection and _Oh, god Rodney McKay touching me._ Little explosions are going off and travelling the length of his spine _._ He honestly thinks he might embarrass himself by coming in his pants. No, that won’t do, if this is going to be his only time with Rodney, he is going to make it last, going to make it good. Going to make the risk he’s taking worth it. He recites the Fibonacci sequence in his head until he has averted embarrassment.

But oh, Rodney’s touch is hot and firm and purposeful and _into it_ and this is the most incredible thing he could have ever imagined.

Rodney’s lips are just inches away from his now the way they are turned together, but he’s showing no signs of wanting to kiss. John’s pretty sure kissing is against the rules in a situation like this, but his lips are longing to taste Rodney’s mouth so much that he realises they need to be given other work before he makes a fool of himself. Before he gives away that this is more than just two buddies fucking, gives away that he has _feelings._

He reaches over to push up Rodney’s uniform shirt and then presses his mouth to the revealed skin. The sensory input is almost enough to short-circuit his brain. There’s the smooth feel of Rodney’s skin against his lips, and the encouraging feedback as it shivers in response to his touch. There’s the tickle of the light dusting of hair that trails down from Rodney’s chest. He’s gorgeous and smooth, the opposite of John’s scarred and hairy body. Then there’s the scent and taste of Rodney, freshly showered after an intense mission, a scent and flavour that’s barely there beneath the soap but is uniquely McKay’s and already comfortingly familiar and addictive.

He had planned on moving downwards, but curiosity makes him move upwards and he mouths Rodney’s nipple, fingers tweaking the other one at the same time.

‘Oh, god, yes!’ Rodney moans, and John’s blood thumps to be eliciting such a response. His adrenaline surges as he wonders what it would be like to feel able to make noise, to allow yourself to express want and desire and pleasure instead of doing what he’s doing now, keeping the sighs and moans Rodney’s touch is eliciting firmly locked in the back of his throat.

Even so, he realises Rodney is being unnaturally quiet for Rodney, and he wonders for a second if Rodney might just be as scared and uncertain as he is himself.

He sucks and tweaks Rodney’s already prominent nipples until they stand out hard as bullets. Rodney’s sensitive there, and his response is gratifying. It almost makes up for not being able to kiss. As he works Rodney’s nipples, his hand slides downwards, fingers teasing below Rodney’s waistband. Now, John kisses down Rodney’s torso, undoing Rodney’s pants as he goes. He teases kisses above the waist of Rodney’s boxer briefs and then reaches in for his cock.

Oh, god, Rodney’s cock. It’s perfect and warm and hard and glistening at the tip and he holds it firmly while swallowing the head and teasing with his tongue. Damn, but that’s good, and Rodney’s sighs are saying even though he’s never done this he’s doing okay. He wants to make McKay as crazy for him as he is crazy for Rodney. Knows that all the highly charged feelings he has building inside him are generating something powerful in the purposeful way he is using his hands and mouth.

He pulls off for long enough to push Rodney’s pants and boxers down around his thighs, and then returns to take Rodney as far into his mouth as he can. Thank god he has no gag reflex, but he isn’t ready to try anything fancy. Wants to, though. Wants to deep throat Rodney like a porn star and watch up through his eyelashes as he falls to pieces.

Rodney’s hands are stroking across his shoulders, over his head and he feels a wave of emotion. It feels affectionate, and for a moment he can imagine this is more than just sex. Can imagine things like belonging and togetherness, things you’re not allowed with a man when you’re a serving officer in the US military.

Before he gets lost in the intensity of feeling close to Rodney, he needs to get them back on track. He lets his hand drift to fondle Rodney’s balls. It feels so good, so intimate, and Rodney moans at his touch. Then he dares even more. He traces along Rodney’s perineum to his asshole. He strokes there gently and curiously, wanting in, but waiting for an indication.

‘You can fuck me if you want. I have stuff,’ Rodney sounds breathless, and when John looks up at him, his eyes are wide with want. Fuck, he never thought he would live to see something so good. Before John can answer, Rodney turns over to reach for the bedside drawer, pulling out condoms and lube and passing them to John, whose heart is in his mouth. Instead of turning back, Rodney settles onto his front, pushing a pillow down under him.

‘I’m not . . . ‘ Rodney is suddenly stammering, ‘I mean, it’s not my first time but I don’t . . . I mean I have them just in case, I like to be prepared.’

That’s sweet, thinks John, Rodney cares what he thinks, but John really doesn’t care who else Rodney has been with because right now, perhaps for one time only, Rodney is his, and giving himself to John so beautifully it makes John’s heart dance.

John is not going to tell Rodney he’s never done this before, in fact he’s not going to say anything because he’s afraid of what his voice would give away of his heart. He knows what to do from porn and fanfiction and thank god for the internet or he would be sitting here wondering what the fuck happens next. It helps him to know that this isn’t Rodney’s first time though, that one of them at least knows what they are doing.

As it is, he has Rodney stretched out in front of him and even though this is his first time he’s not scared. Well, maybe a little, but mostly he’s overwhelmed with gratitude and desire. And something else he doesn’t want to put a name to. He pulls Rodney’s pants and boxers right off and then quickly slips out of his own clothes. Then he kisses his way back up the inside of Rodney’s legs, very, very slowly. He wants to make this last even if he is also desperate to be inside of Rodney.

When he reaches the inner part of Rodney’s knees with his gently biting kisses, Rodney spreads his thighs apart a little more and John almost can’t contain the rush that gives him. He kisses and gently nibbles each inner thigh, and then deliberately skips past Rodney’s ass, trailing a hand on the way past, and begins to kiss up his spine. There is a moan of frustration, followed by more appreciative noises as John pushes Rodney’s shirt up as he kisses and scrapes his teeth along the skin all the way up to Rodney’s shoulders. He pulls the shirt over his head and then plants little kisses along Rodney’s hairline, aware as he is doing it how incredibly intimate he is being.

But Rodney doesn’t seem to mind, is really gone on whatever John does to him. So responsive, so present, it’s utterly delicious, and John knows he’s going to want to carry on doing this forever and that _hurts._

But he has now, and he’s going to make it count. He trails his mouth back down from Rodney’s oh so sensitive neck to the base of his spine. He wants to use his tongue on Rodney but figures that’s not for a first time and needs to be negotiated. He still isn’t able to speak and wonders if Rodney thinks he’s a freak because he hasn’t said a single word. Not that Rodney’s saying much for him, and again John wonders about that.

Rodney has a perfect ass, and John kisses and nibbles at it while fumbling open the lube, then pulls back to watch a first slick finger tease around Rodney’s puckered hole and gently work its way in.

‘Mmmmm, so good.’ Rodney squirms at John’s touch. John was made for doing this, wonders how he could have left it so long, and how he could ever give it up. Before long, he’s found the place inside Rodney that is clearly setting off sparks, and plays there for a while, feeling breathless and excited at the responses he is getting. Then he spreads more lube and slides two fingers in, crooking them into the same position and applying a steady, massaging pressure.

‘Oh, please, I need . . .’ god, he’s making Rodney want, making him tremble a little. It’s beautiful.

John slides in a third finger and carefully scissors them, just like he’s learned, but nothing has prepared him for the feeling of preparing Rodney for him, or how much Rodney wants it.

‘Fuck me already, please just fuck me!’ John really can’t resist that plea, so he fumbles on the condom with his lubed up, slightly shaking hands and then he is looking down at Rodney stretched out before him, his strong back, his broad shoulders, his perfect ass, and he can’t help but whisper ‘god, Rodney,’ as he nudges himself slowly and carefully inside. He takes it with glacial slowness, but Rodney is so ready for him. He meets no resistance and in time he is all the way inside, his balls nestled close against Rodney’s body and the pleasure is so perfect and overwhelming he wonders if he could die from it.

‘Oh, yessss,’ Rodney’s sigh echoes John’s feelings exactly. John kisses his back between his shoulder blades and then loops his arm beneath Rodney, wanting to pull him even closer, wanting to hold on and never let go. For a while he just stays there, pressing himself closer and closer without pulling back, but the pleasure builds up and he needs to move. He pulls almost all the way out, and then slides home firmly, making himself bite back a sigh.

Rodney moans and bucks up into his thrust. He repeats the thrust, a little harder this time.

‘Yes, yes, just like that. Oh, god!’ Rodney is losing it and it makes John happier than anything ever made him before. He speeds up his thrusts and from Rodney’s continual moans he has got the angle just right and ‘oh, god, I’m coming!’ Rodney cries out and he begins to shake underneath John as John pushes into him, hard and relentless and feels Rodney’s muscles contracting around him, triggering his own climax.

John cries out. Didn’t mean to but couldn’t hold it back as he feels himself pulse over and over inside Rodney until he is utterly spent. He clings a while longer, not wanting it to be over, feeling all at once at home and safe and utterly lost. Eventually, he reluctantly pulls out, ties off the condom and throws it in the bin. Rodney turns over, passes John a handkerchief and wipes himself with another.

Then Rodney, looking hesitant, pulls John back down onto the bed, and John lets himself be pulled, not really knowing what to do. He wants to climb on top of Rodney, kiss him long and slow and then fall asleep with his arms wrapped so tight around him he can’t ever escape. Instead, he settles in beside Rodney, their sides pressed together, and let’s himself relax there to the sound of Rodney breathing.

 

He wakes up and it’s dark. Rodney is sprawled half on top of him, his gentle snoring a familiar sound from missions. Rodney’s leg is in between John’s, his hip pressed hard against John’s growing erection. John can feel Rodney is half-hard against his own hip. Against his volition, he finds himself pressing upwards, seeking the press of Rodney’s body. Rodney's weight pressing back down on him is more than perfect. His breath holds as Rodney stirs, as he wonders what will happen now, longing for more of this, never wanting it to stop.

He wants more from Rodney McKay than someone in his position can ever ask for.

Rodney is awake now and squirming slightly against him. ‘Hello,’ he says, ‘are we doing a second round now?’

John just presses himself up into Rodney again as if by answer, but Rodney isn’t having any of it. ‘What do you want, Sheppard?’ and there is impatience amid the breathlessness of arousal.

‘For you to fuck me.’ John says, and he can’t believe he managed to get the words out.

‘Okay.’ Rodney replies, and John finds himself instantly on the edge just from the thought of it. John has never wanted anything more than to have Rodney inside of him, but he didn’t realise it was as simple as just _asking_. Damn, he wished he knew how to ask for even more, but this here was the problem, the reason he had abstained throughout his military career, because the more you had, the more you wanted. One minute it’s just fucking and the next you hate yourself because you can’t hold hands and go on holiday together and buy a flat and make lasagne.

Rodney has pulled back and is stroking John’s cock thoughtfully while straddling his thigh. Something about his stance feels possessive, and John doesn’t mind at all. Wants to say something stupid like ‘I’m yours,’ but knows he won’t. Wants Rodney to be his, but that’s ridiculous. This is just sex, that’s all it can be. And yet, he can’t pretend he isn’t having . . . feelings.

‘I want to look at you,’ says Rodney, thinking the lights up a little, and this scares John. What will he see? But he can’t explain his fears, so he allows Rodney to arrange him, a pillow under his hips, one leg bent open the other lifted against his chest. Rodney’s hands and gaze caress over his body admiringly and it makes John feel flustered and weak and so damned aroused.

‘The hot Major in my bed,’ Rodney says, sounding pleased but slightly bemused.

 _Really?_ John feels hairy and scarred and the very opposite of what would be attractive to another man, especially a man who likes women, as Rodney does. From Rodney’s ease and confidence, and what he said earlier, John now figure’s he’s bi, which is an – interesting – revelation. John feels out of his depth with Rodney. He is more experienced, more confident, smarter, and John feels like he might drown here.

As soon as Rodney’s fingers are inside him, John knows he is really lost. Those clever, stout fingers know exactly what they are doing, find his prostrate and massage it expertly until he cannot help but make noise, relentlessly pushing him into letting go of his self-control. By the time three fingers are working at him he is writhing on the bed, pushing his hips up into Rodney’s touch.

‘Rodney, please?’

‘What can I do for you?’ But he doesn’t sound smug, he sounds . . . awed. And as breathless as John feels.

‘Fuck me?’

‘God, yes.’ Rodney gets the condom on and pushes both John’s thighs back towards his chest, caressing down them as he holds them back. John can feel Rodney’s cock at his entrance and he can’t believe he waited til he was nearly forty to feel this. Rodney slides in, super slow, and it burns a little but doesn't hurt like he expected. Rodney is so patient, never pushing too hard, and then he stops about half way. John has tensed, and Rodney is waiting for him to relax, he knows. He’s terrified and turned on and wild and cosy all at once. He closes his eyes because Rodney’s thoughtful, searching gaze is too much for him. He doesn’t make it easy for anyone, but there’s a chance that one day this brilliant man will have him all figured out. And oh god, frightening though that feels he _wants_ it so badly, wants to be _known._

He can feel himself opening to Rodney, letting him in. Rodney slides all the way home with a sigh that John echoes.

‘So good,’ Rodney says, and John just wants to please him. He widens his legs and pushes up, taking Rodney deeper inside. Oh god, it’s bliss. Rodney slides out and back in, slow but firm, pushing hard down into him, leaving John breathless.

‘Would you . . .’ Rodney hesitates. ‘Would you open your eyes and look at me?’

John doesn’t really do eye contact, and for that matter he’s noticed Rodney doesn’t either, but he feels compelled to respect Rodney’s request. He opens his eyes and is caught by two rings of bright blue almost overtaken by dark dilated pupils. It’s so intense he almost can’t bear it. Without removing his gaze, Rodney is slowly and relentlessly pumping into him. John knows it must be written all over his face, the thrill and shock and overwhelm to be doing this for the first time. And, oh god, the ridiculously strong feelings he has for this man.

Now, he feels really naked.

‘Quite the enigma, aren’t you, Major?’ Rodney says, and his gaze shifts uncertainly, releasing John’s. Maybe John is better at hiding than he realises, and that makes him almost sad. He suddenly realises he wants someone to see all the way in, wants _Rodney_ to see, but perhaps he’s not ready just yet.

‘John,’ he says simply. ‘Call me John.’ At least let him have that.

‘John,’ says Rodney, as if tasting the name, and it gives John a thrill to hear him say it. ‘John.’ He says again, pushing into him just a little harder, a little deeper. John can’t help a little moan.

‘John,’ Rodney says again, and this time he sounds a little gone. His hips have sped up now, are beginning to ram into him, the angle hitting his prostate every time. John can feel his orgasm building as Rodney chants his name over and over. He’s going to come untouched, just from the feel of Rodney slamming home inside of him. He can’t quite believe it but his orgasm is building relentlessly and before he knows it he is shouting out Rodney’s name and coming so hard across his own chest that his vision goes, and Rodney is fucking him hard through it, still chanting his name and then Rodney is coming too and his hips stutter and he falls forward between John’s legs, which John opens out to let him lay there, reaching for Rodney without being able to stop himself.

And oh god, John wants to stay like this forever, to never leave this bed and never let Rodney go.


End file.
